30.5.14

I wish I had more time...

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For me. 

I realise that's a totally selfish thing to choose, and I'll admit I have judged mothers for saying things like this in the past. I guess I was in denial. I like to think I'm SuperMom, that I can do it all, and can do it all alone. My Mama's a very independent woman, always juggling more than she can probably handle, and I pretty much aspire to be her. But recently, today really, I have realised it is okay to admit you can't do it all. To need help sometimes. 

When I called Colin this morning, in tears I was convinced I was the worst mother in the history of the world because I'd lost my temper with the boys, they weren't listening or being particularly helpful and I'd just had enough. I just needed him to tell me it was okay, that I was overreacting, and be rational. I admitted for the first time ever that I was struggling, and he calmed me down and convinced me I needed some time alone. 

I've put the boys to bed, earlier than usual, and realised that I have been with them all day every day this week, no breaks except for sleeping. I always look forward to half terms, to spend all that time with them, but actually it isn't easy. I missed softball this week because my parents are away, and I've realised how heavily I rely on them. As childcare, just an extra pair of hands, an adult to talk to and share my (crazy) thoughts. Otherwise it all builds up and I break down, in floods of tears on the stairs, with my littlest coming to comfort me with a worried look on his face. That's the worst feeling, out of it all. I don't want to let it get to that point again, for them. 

When we're together I want to give them my everything, but that means I have to recharge too. Time for me & that means time away from the boys, away from the house. I do hate that that means time taken from the boys, for the first time I have consistently not been there to put them to bed, to tuck them in. Once a week, that is a sacrifice I am making, to make myself happier. Just that few hours, exercising & socialising as just Bee, not Mama too. 

mumturnedmom

Bee. 

5 comments:

  1. Thankyou for this post! You are not alone, I feel selfish for wanting time to myself too and I only have one little monster to deal with at the moment. You do such a great job and spend so much time and effort on your lovely boys, you deserve a break to be Bee rather than just Mama xx

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  2. It's the little things I think. Once a week I have 'mummy night off'. Hubby comes home from work and is 'mummy' for the next 12 hours or so. I do mundane things, like take a shower, go to the supermarket, watch TV, or have an early night.
    Maybe see if you can get your other half to do this for you? Or even your mum?

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  3. It isn't selfish, we all need a little bit of time to ourselves. I know that I am certainly a better mum for having a few hours off at the weekend when hubby takes the kids for a bit. We can't do everything, all the time. We need to refresh and recharge and come back excited for the next activity or outing or craft. Thank you so much for linking to #ThePrompt x

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  4. It is very important to have time to yourself, I used to try to do it all but I realised a little time away from the children makes me happier and altogether a better mummy.

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  5. You're a wonderful, wonderful mum - everyone loses their temper sometimes, it's just that we don't share it like we do the happy times. And everyone needs a little time to themselves, and the littlies equally need time with others so go and enjoy your Bee time x

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