I realise that's a totally selfish thing to choose, and I'll admit I have judged mothers for saying things like this in the past. I guess I was in denial. I like to think I'm SuperMom, that I can do it all, and can do it all alone. My Mama's a very independent woman, always juggling more than she can probably handle, and I pretty much aspire to be her. But recently, today really, I have realised it is okay to admit you can't do it all. To need help sometimes.
When I called Colin this morning, in tears I was convinced I was the worst mother in the history of the world because I'd lost my temper with the boys, they weren't listening or being particularly helpful and I'd just had enough. I just needed him to tell me it was okay, that I was overreacting, and be rational. I admitted for the first time ever that I was struggling, and he calmed me down and convinced me I needed some time alone.
I've put the boys to bed, earlier than usual, and realised that I have been with them all day every day this week, no breaks except for sleeping. I always look forward to half terms, to spend all that time with them, but actually it isn't easy. I missed softball this week because my parents are away, and I've realised how heavily I rely on them. As childcare, just an extra pair of hands, an adult to talk to and share my (crazy) thoughts. Otherwise it all builds up and I break down, in floods of tears on the stairs, with my littlest coming to comfort me with a worried look on his face. That's the worst feeling, out of it all. I don't want to let it get to that point again, for them.
When we're together I want to give them my everything, but that means I have to recharge too. Time for me & that means time away from the boys, away from the house. I do hate that that means time taken from the boys, for the first time I have consistently not been there to put them to bed, to tuck them in. Once a week, that is a sacrifice I am making, to make myself happier. Just that few hours, exercising & socialising as just Bee, not Mama too.