21.1.14

Confession.

It is 8:30pm & I'm tucked up in bed, after a really rubbish day. The type of day that leaves me sobbing on the phone to Colin, shutting down and figuring bed is the best place for me. 

Quite honestly, I'm really struggling with this no nap thing. Joshua's napping in the morning at my Mum's & Daniel has stopped completely, which makes for a looooong day. I rush around getting ready and out the door in the morning, work until 2 and then it's all systems go until 8pm. Today we watched TV at Nanny's, came home & did some drawing, played HappyLand, hoovered, had snacks & baked cookies. Then I started to make dinner, and that's where it started to go downhill. 

I'm regretting not putting Joshua back down for a sleep actually, because he threw the most almighty strop while we were drawing, and ate the pens, and again while we were baking cookies. I couldn't cut up a pepper without one or both of the boys screaming because one of them had snatched/pulled hair/climbed on the other. I lost my temper with the pair of them, and even Daniel started shouting at me. I sent him to his room twice for screaming at me while I was talking to him, and put Joshua in time out countless times. 

I could have dealt with it a whole lot better but I just reached the end of my tether. Joshua actually slept really well last night but somehow that made me feel even more tired, and my Nana had another fit this morning so I'm worrying about her. It's not fair to take it out in them, I know it's not, but they sure as heck didn't make that easy. 

For the first time ever I poured myself a glass of wine before dinner, after bursting into tears on the living room floor, and gave up. I couldn't do it anymore, I dished up dinner and finished baking the cookies, going through the motions but barely talking. I put the boys straight in the bath after dinner (except Daniel who didn't get changed in time and went straight to bed, after several warnings) & did some yoga, cried again, and apologised to the boys. Daniel told me he was sorry for shouting and not listening, and we had a big hug. I'm thankful they're so forgiving this young. 

I snuggled Joshua close while he nursed tonight. For the first time in a long time I just watched him, his lashes against his cheeks, his eyes growing heavy, his fingers wrapped round mine, his mouth pouting. I waiting until he was asleep and closed my eyes too. My heart's been missing that time, those snuggles while we're both totally relaxed, sleeping soundly. 

This is a new chapter in our lives, and I'm just mourning the loss of the old routine I guess. Including the moments in the middle of the night, those sweet cuddles, just the two of us while the world is sleeping. Today was a total write off, but tomorrow will be better. I'm thinking that if we get out of the house a little more that will help, we rushed home today. An early night tonight, ready for the best start in the morning. 

So, so thankful for these sweet boys, even though they drive me crazy, I don't know what I would do without them. 

Bee. 

2 comments:

  1. Sounds rough... Hope you're feeling a bit better now!
    Have a good sleep and start afresh tomorrow :-)
    Very mature of Daniel to apologise too bless him, you must be so proud x

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  2. I could have written this. SO many times in the last few weeks. Hugs, mama!

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